Six Degrees of Separation
Nov. 9th, 2012 04:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
themuziqloverA/N: Oh my whyyyy angsty Xiumin ;___; ugh.. well, half the stuff I write is trash anyway so.. yeah... don't blame you if you don't bother reading hohoho
First, you think the worst is a broken heart.
Minseok’s lost track of the days, the weeks, he’s spent holed up in his little apartment. All his friends called at first, begged him to please, please come back, Minseok. But eventually, even they stopped coming by, stopped calling, stopped trying to shake him back into reality. He knows he’s pathetic, knows how weak and stupid he must look like this but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t go outside without being reminded of him. He takes in the smells, the tastes, the sights, and the memories flood back through the fragile dam he’s built in the back of his mind.
But it’s not his fault.
It’s not.
He’s spent countless hours sitting alone in his room, looking at this from so many different angles, so many different perspectives, and yet, he still can’t find where he went wrong, where they went wrong.
But it’s not his fault.
It can’t be.
He tried so hard.
So it can’t be his fault.
He has to believe it isn’t.
What’s gonna kill you is the second part.
“Minseok! Kim. Minseok. You. Open your door. Right Now.”
And Minseok does. He doesn’t know why. It’s been a long time since he’s had someone knocking at his door. But his body still remembers the motions, the movements, leading up to expecting a friendly face on the other side. And he realizes, he still hopes.
But it’s not him on the other side of his door. There are no starlit eyes, no fluffy hair, and no innocent smiles. No affectionate whispers of Baozi, no tinkling laughs, and no soft lips pressed against his own.
Jongdae gives him a small smile when the door swings open, all traces of bravado when he’d demanded Minseok to open the door disappearing. He’s smiling but his eyes are strained with the effort of keeping silent. There are secrets hidden behind those eyes, and Minseok sees them instantly. He sees them in the way Jongdae shifts slightly onto his other leg, fiddles with the ends of this sweater. In the way he can’t look Minseok in the eye for more than two seconds.
“We’ve missed you.”
Even his voice comes out strained.
“What is it? It’s about Luhan, isn’t it? Just come out with it. Or leave. Take your pick.”
Minseok knows his tone is cutting. He’s a horrible friend. But Minseok’s long stopped caring for tact and the trivialities of social interaction.
Jongdae winces slightly but sighs and peers at Minseok from under his bangs.
“Can.. can I come in at least?”
Minseok hesitates for a second.
“Sure.”
To his credit, Jongdae doesn’t sugarcoat anything. Minseok’s always liked that about him. The way he was honest and sincere and told him things straight up. Luhan used to be like that too. Minseok just never thought Luhan would, one day, be the topic in one of his conversations rather than a participant in it.
“I know you needed time and I’ve given you time. We all have. But Luhan’s moving on. And we hate seeing you like this Minseok....”
Minseok doesn’t answer. Just stares at Jongdae.
“Luhan’s moving... on?”
Jongdae looks down at the space between them.
“Please, Minseok. Please. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle.
Minseok doesn’t move, even as Jongdae gets up and leaves silently. Jongdae’s words echo in his head, looping endless circles around and around his mind, his heart. Luhan’s moving on. Luhan’s moving on. Luhan’s moving on. Again and again and again and again.
And suddenly, Minseok is angry. He’s angry and spiteful and resentment fills him as the walls of his apartment suddenly begin to feel a little to constricting, a little too suffocating.
He’s moving on was he?
Well, if Luhan can move on and forget him, then he can too. He won’t let himself lose to Luhan, he can’t. It wasn’t his fault so why should he be the one feeling sorry and sad and broken? He won’t. He won’t. He won’t.
He doesn’t realize he’s crying until his vision blurs over completely and the salt paints wet streaks across his cheeks. In his head, he swears he’ll pull himself together and get out, move on. But in his heart, he bleeds from the cracks and spills himself out for only the walls to witness.
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself.
The very next week, he calls Jongdae up, apologizes, and asks if he’s free right now. Right now? Yes. Jongdae is surprised to say the least. He doesn’t even try to hide it. He’s surprised, but glad that Minseok seems to have listened to him for once. He’s glad and readily agrees to a trip out to the nearby amusement park.
Minseok meets him at nine AM sharp and smiles at him as Jongdae jogs towards him and all but jumps into the car. He smiles. And Jongdae is amazed. He can tell. He can always tell. His eyes widen slightly and his grin stretches just that little bit more.
It’s not a very long trip to the park, only half an hour. And in that half hour, Minseok is surprised to find that he does a lot better than he expected. Jongdae cracks lame jokes and turns up the radio and Minseok is shocked to find that the sharp pain in his chest seems to dull slightly to a consistent throb. And then he’s singing, humming softly to a random pop song, and Jongdae is laughing and rolling down the window and, really, doing everything he can to make Minseok laugh again. And it works, somewhat, because when Jongdae smiles at him again, he can’t help but grin wider. It was almost like the old days again.
Except it’s not. And despite his best efforts, the slight pang is still there.
But then Jongdae pulls a really lame Pororo impression, and Minseok thinks, maybe, if he really tries, he can make it.
He can.
Fifth, you see them out with someone else.
The sun dips low over the park, painting the sky in orange hues, accented with pink and purple and blue where the light isn’t ready to surrender just yet. Minseok is tired. But tired is good. Tired means he’s distracted. And distracted means he can take a break from his mind wandering back to Luhan.
Jongdae sits beside him on the bench and they share a final stick of cotton candy from the nice vendor around the corner. Around him, some streetlights flicker on, store windows brighten, and pinpricks of light illuminate the ferris wheel up ahead. Minseok is tired. But he’s also feeling a lot better. This day, he decides, has been a good day.
“Jongdae.”
He glances up at him curiously, smiling at the piece of sugar stuck on Minseok’s cheek.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks. For today.”
Jongdae smiles again, impossibly wide. And Minseok smiles too, because he feels like he can again. Slowly, but surely, he can do this. He can. Jongdae stands, dusts some sugar off his jeans.
“Come on, we should get going before it gets really dark. Maybe grab some dinner at the ramen place down your street?”
“Sure.”
They’re walking in a comfortable silence. And Minseok is feeling so relaxed and pleasantly drained of energy, when he feels Jongdae stiffen next to him.
“Are you alright?”
Jongdae nods quickly.
“Yeah, yeah everything’s fine! We should hurry home, the restaurant might close and -”
“Jongdae, it’s only 5.30 -”
“ - and I’m hungry and -”
Minseok freezes.
“Jongdae? Baozi?”
It’s Luhan. It’s Luhan and he’s here standing in front of him and he’s calling him Baozi all over again and it feels so wrong because Luhan should be beside him and not Jongdae. Luhan should be the one standing next to him. Luhan should be the one on amusement park trips with him. Not Jongdae. And he should be the one walking with Luhan, handing him some chocolate from the candy stand, clutching a stuffed panda they would have won together from one of the game stalls.
Not Oh Sehun.
And just like that, Minseok feels himself breaking all over again.
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little.
The car ride back home is completely silent.
Jongdae’s long given up trying to initiate small talk. And Minseok doesn’t try. The time between meeting Luhan and the trip home is all a haze to Minseok. He doesn’t remember much of what happened but his mind is a haze of anger, sadness, confusion, regret, and all sorts of mixed up nameless emotions. Jongdae drives this time around because he really doesn’t trust Minseok behind the wheel and he’s right because by the time they get home, Minseok is practically shaking. Jongdae parks the car and hands the keys to Minseok.
“Take care, alright?”
Minseok’s eyes flick up to Jongdae’s face and Jongdae attempts a smile.
“Thanks.. for today. Let do it again sometime?”
Minseok’s own smile is humorless but he tries. Because Jongdae is a good friend and he really doesn’t deserve to be dealing with Minseok. Doesn’t need Minseok. But Minseok needs him. More than he knows and more than he’s willing to admit.
“Yeah. I’ll.. I’ll be fine.”
Jongdae nods slowly and there’s a tense silence before he leaves Minseok at the door of his building.
Behind the doors of his apartment, Minseok lets everything go. He cries. Not loud sobs but silent tears. Those, he thinks, are infinitely worse. Silent tears means the sounds and feelings are still trapped inside, unable to escape. Silent tears means he’s dying from the inside but unable to find a way out. Silent tears are the kind that constrict his chest and no matter how hard he tries, he still can’t find a way to breathe. But worst of all, silent tears mean there are no sounds in his infinitely silent apartment to fill the emptiness. The emptiness that he knows his memories will end up filling instead.
And they do.
They come slowly at first and build up until it’s a waterfall pouring out of him. Unrelenting and beyond his control.
He sees Luhan coming home late without telling him. Sees himself lashing out because he’s stressed and tired and needed Luhan when he wasn’t there.
He sees himself trying to comfort Luhan after a bad day. Sees Luhan flinch away and tell him to leave.
He sees himself spending more and more time at work and less and less time with Luhan. He sees every text he’s sent, every excuse he’s made up, every reason he’s given every time Luhan tried to plan a date together.
He sees Luhan refusing to tell Minseok about his day. And then, later on, crying onto Sehun’s shoulder when he thinks Minseok can’t see.
He sees himself having a quarrel with Luhan. What was it even about? The missing carton of milk in the fridge? The unmade beds? Or something equally trivial?
He sees Luhan waiting for him outside his office, umbrella in hand, grinning at him through the rain. Sees himself shuffle in close under the umbrella and latch onto his arm as they try to make it home dry.
He sees Luhan laughing as they graduate college.
He sees Luhan as they walk to class together.
He sees Luhan nervously clinging onto him as they begin college.
He sees Luhan studying for finals at his house.
Luhan sitting beside him at their high school’s cafeteria.
Luhan holding his hand under the table so the teacher won’t see.
Luhan whispering secrets into his ear.
Luhan walking home with him.
Luhan waving at him from the window.
He sees Luhan.
One summer day, a lifetime ago, Minseok met a boy named Luhan.
And since then, he’s all Minseok’s been able to see.
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no subject
Date: 2012-11-09 09:47 am (UTC)it was really well-written tho
and just huhu
if baozi realises his mistake they can be back tgt right ;;random but i love this song by the script haha
thanks for the read~!♥
no subject
Date: 2012-11-09 05:20 pm (UTC)Thank you :)
no subject
Date: 2012-11-10 07:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-10 07:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-11 06:15 am (UTC)why
no subject
Date: 2012-11-20 11:21 am (UTC)GDI I LOVE THIS.
no subject
Date: 2013-04-25 03:35 pm (UTC)I want to cry out loud but I cant, it hurts
and after this i'll repeat this song again and again .
love this